Superflavours

2012-01-27T22:19:00.000+08:00

CNY Day 1

2012-01-24T03:08:00.003+08:00

To sum it up?

Report. Arguments. Stress. Endless Nicotine. Sleepless night. Bored. Tired. Awkward. Weird. Sad. Hatred. Politics. Food. Gastric. Pain. Heartache. Regrets. Sick. Cold. Help. Depressed. Lonely. Alone. Projects. School. Nothing. Uninteresting. Negative.

My brother needs to shut the fuck up and know how fucking lame and annoying he is

It's a unnecessary cold war. But I'm lost, and I don't know anything.

I miss my old buddy, it was a stupid argument.

Social politics everywhere, grow up really.

Father needs to chill down

Mother is so tired.

I'm am tired.

Sick, again.

Worries are piling

Headaches and migraines.

Got to deal with the awkwardness

I'm not excited for tomorrow either, I'm bored.

Probably gonna have to do more projects and research during visiting

I can even stomach the damn CNY goodies, ain't got no mood and the damn gastric kills

Monster

2012-01-24T02:57:00.002+08:00

So I'm just wondering why do people still stick by me knowing that I'm a monster. Or rather the fact that I've turned into a monster. And none helps me find the 'angel' inside, somewhere.

Sweet

Precious

Lovely

Adorable

Caring

Warm

Lies. All of it. And they aren't even white.

So I don't understand. If nobody is willing to help, or if nobody is willing to try and understand, why don't they leave. I'm sorry for turning this way, but I'll find myself, by myself. Or else, let me die alone as a monster. A monster truly deserves his own shadow because that's the only thing that's he able to comprehend and not destroy. I will not believe in "You're not a monster" because fact will always stay a fact that's true and based on reasons that may possibly not change forever.

Art, Interview, Literature

2012-01-17T08:54:00.002+08:00

"I am a girl and I like sex. What I am doing is exploring it and playing around with my thoughts/feelings on that (not only on THAT). Doing the project also allows me to distance myself from our crazy schizophrenic generation, find my own way of dealing with that crazy world and interpret ate it." - SEX ZINE

One.

2012-01-16T22:53:00.003+08:00

This could probably be the soundtrack of my life.

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Have you ever wondering the irony of numbers? The larger the number, the more it signifies. But the smaller is becomes, the more power it signifies. It's like seeing a cup, half empty or half filled.

2012-01-15T02:56:00.002+08:00

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Sending that woman on the screen a goodnight text. It's 3.14am, currently working on projects because life is a project. You have to work hard or at least work to get something. Whether or not the 'prize' is rewarding, we still got to do it. Someone has to do it. But the point is...

Projects.

And then there's the lovely rainfall to accompany me (other than the usual Norah Jones and, well, the sounds and smells and not mention that shadow that seats comfortably behind me). It's too comfortable to sleep; I don't want to sleep so comfortably. Because I did be sleeping and snuggling under those warm sheets on my alone. In other words, the bed feels even more empty when it gets even comfortable. That space I leave for her beside the bed tends to get bigger like the emptiness inside me when I miss. I did cry myself harder to sleep wishing she's here to snuggle up, sheltered away from the cold rain.

Sigh, such is life. And such will be death.

Drama

2012-01-12T00:28:00.004+08:00

I don't even know whether to begin but, I shall start by saying.

I'm out.

I'm out because I forced myself out unwillingly. I'll miss everyone. I don't know if they will miss me, but I will miss everyone. But even before I quit, I missed everything. It used to be a 'oh my god there's drama today!' but now it is a heading there every wednesday and thursday feeling and preparing for awkward situations and feeling insecure, ultimately bringing my morale down and increasing level of sadness inside me. Ultimately, I'm tired of drifting aimlessly. I rather be something, then be something loafing and floating everywhere. I know, I know. Everyone tells me not to leave, because things will be better. But for sure, even when the the graduates, graduate. Things won't get better. I just know.

I quit because I've got many thing to deal with. I'm tired of dealing with unnecessary social politics. They are tiring. C & N, I've always thought that you 2 were really nice people. But then, I just didn't know what happened. Was it jealousy that took you over? Was it a misunderstanding? Would it have changed if you told me what happened? Because, if it was insecurities taking me over, then, you should have stayed to help me get over it. You shouldn't have left. Because that's not what friends do. That's what fake people do. Like what others say, if they were true friends, or at least friends, the two of you would have just sit down and just clarify any mistake or misunderstanding. It's silly how things are like that. I'm done with all these.

I'm tired of dealing with people that are just simply narcissistic and egoistic, thinking that the entire world owes them a living.

I'm tired of always being left out, only having Atifa to keep me company. In other words, Atifa and I? We have each other company during sessions. Nothing else other than what it feels like random appearance of friends. I know this isn't your intentions, but I understand. It isn't how you guys thought it would be, but I guys if I'm not the only one feeling left out, then, there has got to be a gap somewhere. I know you guys always say you love me, and even up to this point you guys still do, but I've got to go. Me and Atifa got to go. We're tired of just floating around, and it would better if you guys go ahead. Things will be the same. Your old 'CY' that you guys once looked up upon too, has gone.

They used to call me 'free, wild and happy' but that reason has been taken away. I've got depression, and probably Social Anxiety Disorder. I feel weird, and majorly fucked up. I don't want to put this upon you guys, but each and every of us are responsible for the feelings of other. I feel this way, and you guys should be responsible for it. But I know that it isn't your fault for making me feel this way. It isn't a 'can't be help' thing but I tried, I tried very hard to find myself for you guys, but it just didn't work. I love you guys so very much, but all I can say that it isn't your fault.

It's my fault. I've changed.

I wanted to tell you guys today, but then didn't manage to. So here I say, goodbye, and I say thank you all for making my semester 2.1 and the half of 2.2 a really enjoyable one. It made things easier. Something to look forward to. But now, it's time to say goodbye. But this good bye isn't forever. We'll all go Simpang like how we used to. We would be having toast over 'Milo Ais' and having the time of our lives again. Lepaking, smoking, drinking halal drinks. Do what kids do. Enjoy our teenage years. We will put aside our troubles, and be merry. Drama, will be drama again.

@}---,---'----

8th January; 7am.

2012-01-08T01:25:00.002+08:00

A cup of Soya Bean in a Cheer-You-Up cup to deceive myself that life will be better after drinking this warm soya bean in a Cheer-You-Up cup.

Speakers to play Norah Jones and Blues everyday. (and a bit of dubstep too.)

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Something special about coming home at 6-7am after spending a day at Starbucks. The feeling one of so different and calming. Peaceful. I love this. I could wake-up early for this everyday.

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Precious <3

2012-01-07T04:26:00.002+08:00

"When my days are look low, pull me in close and don't let me go."

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Currently at Starbucks, took a moment to reflect on what's going on in my life. Everything. But, I know that, I don't know anything. All I know is that, I don't want you to leave me. Never. Because once I've had the best, I would never want to settle for 2nd best. I don't want to let everything we've worked just slip. I'm at my lowest, and I might just drop lower then the depths of low, but just pull me in close. Don't ever let me go. Because I will never let go of you. I really don't know much, but we both know that I did fight for you. So fight for me. Your intelligence, wise mind, experience; teach me. Teach me to be a better person. Help me fight off this illness. Help me find myself back again. I need to be back again. I'm tired of being this pitiful state people always say I'm in.

They used to call me the 'free, wild and happy', but that reason has been taken away from me. Help me feel free again. Let's be wild and young once again. Put that smile on my face again, make me happy once again. Don't give-up on me just yet.

@}---,---'----

2012-01-02T00:23:00.000+08:00

1 Jan 2012, Pixels

2012-01-01T17:50:00.002+08:00

2012

2012-01-01T17:41:00.002+08:00

Every single time I think of death, I think of how the world will end. I think about how I will be standing alone, letting the buildings crash down on me, or the tsunami waves engulfing me and choking me, or hoards of people pushing and squeezing their way out and leaving me behind. I imagine dark skies showering stones and rocks.

And then I think of us, holding hands, standing in front of our impending doom. Everything else is silent, only the sounds of our heart beating and the sounds of our breath. Our eyes fixated on each other.

"All these is too good, I don't want this to end."

And you say these words to me, and entire imagine turns into sunflowers and roses. Heaven. All these is too good to end.

2011-12-25T02:17:00.003+08:00

I used to drench my lonely soul in red wine every christmas and die upon hearing every single joyous christmas song. Because a man without love, is a man without life. Every single christmas would be spent nursing a broken heart, or crying the coldness out, or just, spending it alone. Alone used to be something I would wallow in, but now it is a thing of the past.

But today, or this year, it wouldn't be spent alone. All that jealousy and sadness? They were a thing of the past right now the I never ever want to have

again. Long gone the days of desperation seeking for company during Christmas to ease this heartache, or not nurse it on my own, and definitely long gone the days to spending days alone. Because I finally have someone I'm really sure of this time. Someone that I know that I can put my entire heart into; trust was and is never an issue anyway. I feel slightly more sane.

I always dream for a really Merry Christmas. And, a

dream is a wish that the heart makes. I often dreamt about cuddling up and fighting the cold away with a warm cup of hot chocolates, sleeping and lying in each other arms, spending the morning covered under a duvet, biscuits, all things warm and lovely, cigarettes, laughter, joy, and no misery. It's a dream, but I'm working towards it one bit-by-bit. It's coming true. Soon. I know it is.

And because of that, I'm going to say thank you for sticking with me. Despite everything, I always say that "it is the love that counts" and that's true. Because that's what matters, and sometimes, the only thing the matters. So I wish a Merry Christmas, and Happy Monthversary.

@]---.---'----

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23 December

2011-12-23T15:19:00.002+08:00

I feel terrible on a friday like this. After an entire week of havoc, childish politics, drama (literally theatrical drama), work, projects, I just needed a day off. Alone, or with her. I thought we could eat, drink, smoke, be merry, celebrate the belated IOD, laugh. That would be nice. Very nice.

Or I could spend it alone.

So I thought that, things were going according to plan. A bit of hiccups here and there, but I thought life was good. But I floated away because everything slipped. And now I'm nowhere. But nowhere is good. Because somewhere is always filled with some sort of hurt, broken promises, disappointments. Life. It is filled with LIFE and it's terrifying bullshit and nonchalant nonsense. I've grown not too fond of life. So I floated away. Because I needed to. Not because I wanted to.

And like the downpour outside, my eyes streamed a silk of tears that stained this sore cheeks. Depressing, but maybe I should wallow in it because sadness seems to be the only thing that is real.

2011-12-22T02:34:00.002+08:00

Kind of miss my hair being this short:

Life.

2011-12-16T05:51:00.001+08:00

2011-12-12T15:51:00.001+08:00

Just another Maniac Tuesday

2011-12-06T16:38:00.002+08:00

Waking-up with stress weighing you down to the bed, telling yourself that it is okay, watching the time tick, and feeling the warmth from the bed beckoning back into the dreamland.

This is a Tuesday. Weekdays and Weekends have never been the same. We wake-up for a purpose, not a purpose to live to life to the fullest, but the purpose of going to school. Rushing here and there. Barely having enough time to enjoy oneself, but, I take whatever I can. Like staring out into the rainy skies on my way to school. Like staring at the blank cold walls that surround me before I sleep; it brings me comfort. Like, enjoying the cold hard wind smashing right into my face, breathing in and feeling whatever passion is in the wind.

They say, "It is the littlest thing is life that makes life less dull."

I guess if there's something to live during the days whereby waking up to a life filled with datelines, money, and numbers, we have to take note of the little things and make the best out of it. That's how we should live. That's how I live. A simple man, which ideas. And damn, I've got the eyes to see how beautifully dull this world is the world that we live in.

2011-12-02T01:39:00.002+08:00

Just me, my squishy fuck, ColdPlay's Mylo Xlyoto, Project.

It is a 'study' date, literally actually.

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I got pleasantly euphorical upon realizing the fact that I did probably never grow the fuck up. 18, is just a number after all isn't it.

30th November

2011-11-30T12:58:00.001+08:00

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30th November; good morning!

Stuyding

2011-11-27T22:02:00.002+08:00

GOOD EVENING TO BOTHER YOU.

22/11 PART 1

2011-11-26T02:11:00.001+08:00

Gifts from the precious <3

2011-11-26T01:27:00.002+08:00

Currently having a 2 month bill of $100+ that was due yesterday. Therefore if my phone is un-contactable don't blame me.

2011-11-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

Haha.

25th November: Thoughts.

2011-11-26T00:38:00.007+08:00

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If there's a point in time whereby you feel like your life is like shit, and like all you want to do is to just give-up as much as you tell yourself that life is indeed beautiful (which it is), you want to just lay down on a plain grass of fields, look up and tell god that "this isn't cut out for me" and I don't' mean in a "I want to die" manner, but this isn't cut out for me. The emotional, physical, educational, bi-polarism stress. I think I've taken enough.

Firstly, there's the issue with a close friend. I don't care whether or not you read this or not, but you never replied my text, picked up my calls. You didn't even reply my essay birthday text, but I understand if there's some network service problem. But still, it doesn't explain the fact why you're being so cold towards me. I've helped you out with your project, gave you a listening ear when you needed one. Talked to you, supported you through your decision to change school to a course that you wanted, or rather needed. Whatever floats your bloat! Truly happy for you! And I never asked for anything in return. But yet, you betray me with your coldness, one of so striking and obvious to not take notice. Long gone were the days we did scream each other name and gave each other hugs. If it is because I'm sad and quiet, do understand that it is due to this depression. Do understand that if I hurt you, it was never intentional. Do know that, you were the one that told people that "whatever problems we have, just talk it out" but you simply couldn't do it. And you made assumptions, and spread them. Where's the fairness that you often preach? What's with all this irony? Why all this fuckery? I understand that we are humans, we have feelings. I understand that if you do not want to be friends with me, it is fine. You can just tell me straight in the face. But I have feelings too.

You call me fake, but, honestly, I think the tables are turned. If asking help from someone and getting nice treatment from them and then just dumping them aside without telling them the reason for doing so and then leaving them pondering what have they done wrong, isn't that fake? I've asked around, whether am I fake. And honestly, I don't think you're fake, except for hiding from me. I still think and see you as a nice person with loads of charisma in that heart. Mere strangers with memories as you call it. Close friends to strangers. We aren't even lovers but, why do you have to this to me?

Birthday was good. Being legal feels the same though. Same shit different flavor. Who gives a shit whether you're legal or not, except for the law enforcers. But I had a blast, other then the stressful tutors and tutorials. I had a birthday celebration with my group mates. Brought me to pasta mania and bought me lunch and a cake. Fluffy bought me a cake, with the words Happy Birthday Sekcy engraved on it. It was a Famous Amos Double Chocolate Cookie Cake. Ain and Jag, two of my favorite people, were there. It was quite depressing that I didn't even get a wish from my family. Well, non-verbal expression. All I've got was a letter. Which I bring everywhere I go. Well, except today because I forgot. They don't know how much that letter brings to me. To tears? Probably all the time. But it doesn't matter right now, that's not important. And that's what I will tell myself. Family, is important. But future, is more important. Isn't that what they have in calculated into me? Values. Traditions. Generation Y. Fuck all those, I have neither and never belonged to any of those. All I've got are my set of values, a goal in my mind, a creative mind, and a determined heart. It will keep me alive someway.

The workload is getting more and more intense. Hardly getting enough sleep these days. Caffeine, nicotine, red bull. Piling needs and addictions. They sure are never-ending. Falling sick right now during the crucial period could be the worse thing that could have ever happened to me. Fuck, getting sick just adds on the stress level as I keep panicking like, how am I supposed to work and perform when I'm sick? I've got drama, I've got project, and I've got my own shit to settle. I'm so sorry if I aren't caring for you guys enough, because, this is my time. I really need you guys to care for me right now, someway or somewhat. Or rather I can't do so right now, and I will soon enough. Once I'm done caring for myself, it did be back to you guys.

Speaking of which I just came back from a day off after the stressful week with Fluffy and Fiona. Surprised Fluffy with Fiona cause they haven't seen each other in a long time (well, other then the boring SIP meeting which isn't considered) and yeah, it worked. A surprise that works. Had a great time chit chatting and catching up. Was doing research at the staircase next to my unit because I needed the wifi but then I didn't want to go home, and somehow, my dad came out of the house and then came. He demanded me to go home, I said 'no'. Because I'm already so fucking scared of home that, I don't even want to go home till everyone is asleep. And knowing that he is awake right now, or rather he knows where am I, just scares the shit out of me. I need to know it is safe and okay, and his shouting just made it worse. Think I'm going to stay out here till it is safe. I'm getting scared of all of the shouting. Even a little voice raised from friends or strangers triggers it. I panic, start shaking a little, and get scared. Real irrational panic. What has become of me? I'm running away again from the problem. But this time for good.

I need something more then love to just live for right now, because I think that, life isn't just worth living right now. Love, yes, it keeps us alive. But, we need to live. Surviving is over-rated, living is under-rated. I need to find something. Dreams? Passion? Enjoyment? Leisure? Pleasure? They all don't seem to make the cut. Love? I should probably fine something out of this that all humans live for. It brings me security, happiness, but times like this when I need it and I'm all alone sitting at the staircase feeling scared, I really don't know what to do.

2011-11-23T15:14:00.001+08:00

22/11/2011

2011-11-22T01:02:00.001+08:00

I just sat here, crying. Because a birthday isn't one spent without a family. I just want to see my parents. A smile from them would be a nice. And a hug is too much. But I know that, I can't do that. Because, I love them. Staying away is still the best for them, and for me. I'm too much of a failure for their eyes to bear anyway.

2011-11-21T02:43:00.002+08:00

Waiting for you to sleep before I can sneak-in the house, lock myself up in the room, hope I don't bump into anybody, and then sneak myself out. And the routine repeats. Scared to even leave the room. It is all so tensed. And awkward. Give me a sign. Anything. A text would even do I guess.

I think it is only sooner or later before I submit myself to the true death.

Troubles

2011-11-21T01:50:00.002+08:00

I needed to get something off my mind therefore I re-activated this blog.

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Sitting at the staircase next to my house (or unit as a matter of fact) waiting for my father to head to bed, feeling pretty dizzy. I wonder whether running away from him is a good idea. I'm scared of him, and the things that he would do to me. Or rather, the things that I would do to him. Frankly, I know that an apology for being a failure is never good enough. Because I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I wish that he did know the truth. Sometimes I wish he did understand. But even if I told him the truth, what he would perceive is a lie. Because what most people want to hear is what they expect to hear, not the truth. Or lie. As a matter of fact. Because we live based on emotions. Most of the choices we make are based on our emotions. That's a fact.

He is only human. I should understand that.

And that's why, maybe he won't get it, but the less he sees me the better he did feel. The less quarrels we will have. The less issues we will get. The less problems we have to face. But the less love I will get. But does it matter? As long as he gets his peace. And long as he is happy with my younger brother. It doesn't really matter. Because one day I did return the favour of him taking care of me.

Sometimes I wonder what if I weren't born.

It would definitely have changed a lot of things. He would definitely have been a happier person. He wouldn't have to deal with this havoc. This mess that he created. Yes, he created. Because how and what we grow into, is based on how we are brought up. But nonetheless, it would have made things a lot easier.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm gone, forever, would it make a difference?

The mess he created, this person typing this out, wouldn't be there anymore. Yes, love. Parental love. He would be devastated. But if looked at it the logical way like how he has always done so, and taught me so, it would be better. They wouldn't have to pay for the college fees. They wouldn't have to worry so much. They wouldn't have to be responsible for this and that. They would be much happier. And I mean as a whole. Because this burden tied to him as a father, would have been free. He would be happy. Or at least, happier. Because all those things he did in the past, wouldn't have happened. If he didn't remember, it is alright because an apology isnt' what I seek, but rather vindication. The irony. The fucking irony.

And because of the past, I can never seem to be happy. Or rather, each and every single time something happens or he says he cares and worries for me, it is just irony. Because only 1 other person have ever known of this, nobody would understand fully. I really want to be gone, forever. Because this load on me will never go.

And frankly, I'm tired of all of these. The workload, the bad times. The good times, yes, there are good times. But, as the days goes by, I feel that they aren't worth it for all the hard-ships.

Dear to-whom-it-may-concern; I'm so sorry for the disappointments. There shall be none anymore I promise. Because frankly, I'm done with disappointing people. Friends, family, honey, and strangers; if my best isn't good enough, leave me. Give-up on me. It did make me happier.

And right now, I'm still sitting here. Your back against the wall, my back against the wall. Our back against the same wall with inches of concrete separating us. You watching your TV. Me typing this out, and thinking about how much of a failure I am. I wish that you did look on the brighter side instead of the disappointments of how independent I have come to be. The fact that I have my priorities right. The fact that I've grown up. The fact that I have ideas, ideas that are waiting for the spark. That one spark, chance. Waiting.

Father, child. Dad, son. Happy, disappointment. If only you could see how hard am I trying to avoid you, to not see your face because I don't want to see that face of disappointment and I do not want you to see me, the failure. If only you can tell from my eyes that I'm so tired of all these fights, and that if I left you alone and you did the same, we did all be happy. If only you can see the words crumbling and falling out of my mouth, telling you to fuck off for your own good. Because I'm a disaster. I would only make you angry and hurt. We would all go barbarian on each other if we saw each other. We have conflicting ideas. I'm not like my brother. That's why I want to avoid you. Because this is you. This me. Nothing can be solved. There's literally nothing that can be done. If only you can see that I've never hated you for all the hurtful things you've done or say, but rather wished that you did understand and accept. If only you would realize that, the ideal person that you have of me, or expect of me to be, is not who he is. But he is still the same, person. Warm, embracing. We have nothing much to say to each other. Does it matter? Yes, I do not know anything that happens in the house, but the less I know, the better it is for you and for me. Because decision made in the house, are yours to make. Not mine. And the less I know, the better it is for me. Beside, I've got too much on my plate. But I do not want you to understand, I only wish for you to. You've been a great father to me, but I've been the best fuckery child. Whatever you've done in the past, before, doesn't matter, but I'm still a failure in your eyes. I've already made promises and apologized for my wrong-doings, and I do not want you to nor wish you would do the same, but I want you to take it. But if you don't, it is fine. I would understand. We all live in a 21st Century. A century whereby traditions and respect are hard to come by. Even a simple 'thank you' or a 'sorry' is so hard to come-by. A century whereby understanding between different generation is hard to come-by. A period of time whereby disappointments are a part of everyday life. A life that I have to lead without any guidance. A life whereby friends have become god's way of replacing what has been lacked in a family.

I'm so sorry that we have succumbed to these problems. They may seem like a problem that most children are having, but right now, there's nothing that can be done. There isn't a solution unless one gives-in. I know I won't because this is who I am. And that is who you are. That's why the less we see each other, the better we are off. The less communication we have, the less barbarianism occuring. Maybe when I grow older we did be able to meet and talk about the weather. Talk about money. Talk about family, life, people; all these things that we used to talk about when I was little, but in a grown-up manner. We did be having conversations that I long for. We did be back, giving each other hugs and making each other laugh. I did like that. But for now, we can't. It must be forbidden unless we must talk. Because if you think about it, it did make us happier.

If being happy is so difficult, then why do people say "only you can make yourself happy and tell yourself that you're happy" because, frankly, it is so difficult to tell myself to be happy. I miss. being happy all the time. I enjoyed every single bit of it

DIlema.

2011-11-19T02:26:00.002+08:00

Not everything is on the sunny side. And I really don't know whether to just press that "send" button on my phone after typing out a whole chunk. Because I know that, you like me, would want to know how I feel. My thoughts, my feelings, emotions. Everything. But I wouldn't want to ruin your mood anymore if it does.

I could just delete everything, go for a smoke, and pretend to sleep the way you sleep. Because, honestly, all these isn't worth it. Staying together is worth it.

I really wanted that hug. But I was too scared, and bottled up with anger and frustration. It is like a gutty feeling mixed with a tinge of confusion. Sadness, anger, frustration. I couldn't cry no more.

I don't want to cry anymore.

Day 3: Your views on drugs & alcohol.

2011-11-16T00:30:00.002+08:00

Day 3: Your views on drugs & alcohol.

Honestly, I don't know any other ways to put this into but, stay away from drugs. Been-there-done-that thing, but I can't seem to elaborate here. But yeah, you play, you pay. I'm suffering the consequences right now.

Alcohol is fine, I've been known to hold my alcohol really well. But, honestly, drinking? Alcohol? All that to me is a waste of money. Light drinking is fine to me as well. To me, right now, I don't need alcohol to have a good time with my friends and love ones. Alcohol is expensive. Alcohol fucks you up.

Right, I honestly don't know what to say .__.

Day 2: Where'd you like to be in 10 years.

2011-11-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Well, honestly, I don't wanna be anywhere. I just want to be with her. That's good enough. Because anywhere is fine with her. And anything would be, or seem to be, possible with her.

But if thee is one place I have to be, it would in Australia, studying for our masters/degree together. UWA, Perth. Or maybe in Singapore, running our own cafe. Running a cafe have always been my dream, my passion. My want, but I'm not really sure if the cafe would be the best way or the best thing.

Frankly, I don't wish for anything much except to be, and still be, in her arms in 10 years.

2011-11-15T15:26:00.000+08:00

Photo-Booth Y U SO ADDICTIVE.

2011-11-15T00:31:00.002+08:00

Day 1: My current Relationship

Honestly, I think that it is the best I ever had and will ever have. Because never have I found someone so similar to me, but yet different in our own unique ways. We like the same type of music. We like to chilling. We like doing the same things. We do the same things, even the weird ones. She's my best friend, my girlfriend, my lover; everything. I love how we can be almost anywhere, and everywhere. I love how we take care of each other, making sure that we eat and have enough money. Little things like writing each other small notes. Making time for each other even though we have a busy schedule. Text-ing each other to let each other know how we are, and what we are doing. I do it because I want to not because I have to. There's a difference. And finally, she loves me for who I am. Because, for someone that people find hard to socialize with and weird, she found something special in this. The greatest thing I love about us is the fact that we always mean well for each other, and because our ideas always contradict, we fail. And we did be like "that's exactly what I thought as well" and just laugh it out.

And honestly, she may not be perfect, but perfection is over-rated. There are issues of course, but that doesn't matter. Because, we don't have to be perfect; but we are perfect together.

"It is my fault."

2011-11-14T18:03:00.001+08:00

I think I should look at myself and tell myself that, people make mistakes. I make mistakes. It is my fault for expecting too much from friends. Because this what they are, and that I shouldn't worry too much about these insecurities. Because this is who they are. And this is what they do.

The thing about me is that I tend to get so insecure that I wonder whether they are truly my friends, and I often miss out of the good stuff they have done. But that's humans right? And when I start to look at the good stuff, everything becomes alright. Or even better. I'm so sorry friends that I can't really seem to socialize properly. It tends to get quiet or awkward. I try my best to put in efforts to try to keep conversations alive. To try and make sure that this silence isn't awkward. But being friends doesn't mean that we must communicate well isn't it? I mean, I'm a quiet person. I like the quiet.

Sometimes quiet is good. It is so good in fact. Precious.

2011-11-13T14:51:00.000+08:00

Harlow :3

2011-11-11T01:20:00.002+08:00

"I am suffering from depression. I've seen a counselor and am going to be put on pills, but I'm not eating them. People don't seem to understand that when I am sad or frustrated, there's nothing I can do to control it. It takes over who I am and I wish it didn't."

I enjoyed being happy, every bit of it.

2011-11-08T02:35:00.002+08:00

"The thing about parents is that, they don't know how much their words can hurt you."

Because they are the one that are allowed to hurl words. And when I do, they get frustrated and annoyed. And it just adds on to the irony from the past. I have had enough. It is time I took a stand.

2011-11-08T02:31:00.001+08:00

Urgh. Project. Doesn't anybody in the family even understand?!?

Depression

2011-11-08T02:24:00.002+08:00

You see, they don't care. They don't care whether I've got projects to do. They don't care that their nonsense can trigger a moodswing. They don't care whether or not you are OCD-ing about a dateline that's due at 10am, and you're still up at 4-5am working on it. Improving it. They don't care whether or not it is fair. They forget what they did in the past, and they never said sorry. But the thing is that they don't remember. All the remember is the wrong I've done. No one has ever made it fair, not one bit. All they wanted was everyone to shut the fuck up, but none of them ever wondered why this mad mother-fucker is screaming all the time at this piece of shit. Judging. Stereotyping. Sometimes I wish I just had taken the easy way out.

And for the final fucking time, "complaining like a bitch" DOES NOT EQUAL TO "is a bitch". Get your facts and english right. And so what? You've called your own wife useless and fucked up, and so have you done to me. So what's wrong with following your footsteps. And to the motherfucker that saw that, go to hell. Go and die. Go and fucking burn right now because the way you communicate is sure as hell fucked up. Go back and learn your basic english. Bitch.

2011-11-08T02:17:00.002+08:00

Dear brother,

Are you fucking happy right now? "Half you supports me, half of you hates me." these are your fucking words. Well, let me tell you this. I don't need your fucking support because all you do is to judge, and your egoistic nature never fails to turn me-off (and I ain't even talking about it in a sexual context). Secondly, every-time we argue, you always win. You know why? You've got the support from this person I call 'father'. And thirdly, things have always been unfair from my side. Call me the black sheep of the family, I don't care. But fuck you. Call me immature? Fine, you want to compare of course I will. You haven't got your priorities right. You judge. You stereotype. You haven't got your attitude right at all. And even like the most basic thing like 'talking nicely' didn't even get into you didn't it? The least you could do is to talk nicely, but no, you don't.

So fuck you, very much. Because honestly, having a brother or not, didn't really matter anyway. Because like what they say, 'friends have been god's way of replacing what lacked in a family' so don't blame me for dis-regarding you. I've had enough of your nonsense.

Stress.

2011-11-04T13:09:00.002+08:00

You know that feeling whereby you want to sleep but you can't sleep and you feel utterly disappointed with yourself because you cannot cope with reality's wants and needs from you and you feel powerless as you watch it take and scrutinize every single positive and negative thoughts, feelings, and possibility, life from you. And you just wait for something good to drop down into your fucking life, knowing that it will never happen because this is life and that you just push on with nothing behind you because this is your life, not your girlfriends, not your parents, not your dogs uncle sisters --- this is your life. And because this is your life, you've got nothing but your own fucking back and you can't do no shit about it. The deep down rotting gutty feeling that lingers on your chest and not even a sigh would take this feeling away because a sigh of relieve isn't what you need but a sigh of peace is what you need, but that's never going to happen because a sigh of peace doesn't exist. Because you have nothing more except your thoughts of the easiest way out to keep you company.

Stress. Depressed. A wave of sadness that causes havoc and destruction, like a Tsunami of Terror that crashes down on your vast land, and when the flood resides, it takes away everything you ever had and take them with it, leaving you with nothing else but the great plain-ness and you have to start everything, again.

2011-11-02T09:38:00.001+08:00

Good morning!

Rain.

2011-10-31T15:36:00.002+08:00

FOREVER CAM-WHORING.

--------------

Decided to take the bus 8 all the way to to a payoh since it is only a 15-20 minutes bus ride, because the storm is so bad that not even that trust-worthy umbrella would help. So I got here and started to work. And decided to type out this mini-blogpost and things I would rather do on a rainy day.

Cuddle up warm sheets, read a lovely book, sip hot chocolate, whisper sweet nothings to her, stay at home with jazz and country music on replay, and last but not least; dance in the rain.

2011-10-30T04:12:00.004+08:00

Currently sitting at Tampines Starbucks spending the night over here with the precious, because the halloween chalet was cancelled and since we didn't want the night to go to waste, we decided to head back to square 1. Back to starbucks, back to the start.

I mean, what could beat coffee, internet, movies and DVDs, and a blanket to cuddle up. Speaking of which, Starbucks is having their Christmas specials, going 'gaga' over their Toffee Nut, probably gonna grab another cup later. The precious definitely just lost her crown as the owl. Sometimes I think my body is seriously fucked up because if I remembered correctly, I had only 4 hours of sleep and here am I marathoning the night away.

Was at school before chilling right here. Figuring what to do since the precious is sound asleep (gosh, she really lives up to her name of "sleeping everywhere and anywhere and anytime" this sleeping beauty <3 )

2011-10-25T00:24:00.001+08:00

4.

2011-10-24T23:26:00.005+08:00

When my foot hurt. She came to visit me.

A big beautiful smile :D

"Because anywhere with you, is everywhere."

No those cigarette aren't hers.

She's like this precious thing that landed right here in my arms whereby she would be kept safe, warm, and where she can always feel welcomed and 'home'. Because I will be here when she needs someone; lonely, tired, and bored. Because I promised that you will to 'fine' or at least 'okay' so that you can go and find your own happiness. I'm happy that everything has been settled for you. And now you can go and find your own happiness. All I can offer is myself, nothing more nothing less. I'm just this boy, or a little 'sekcy' man as you call it.

But be happy, always, and keep that euphoric beautiful smile etched on that pretty face. <3

2011-10-21T01:25:00.000+08:00

Miss this little small guy already. :(

Life in PixelColour

2011-10-20T23:47:00.003+08:00

SECKS.

SECKS

HOOKER

SLUT

I don't even ---

We're sexy and we know it.

FAMILY PHOTO

SCARY

ACT CUTE ONLY.

Loving the dude behind. Sun-tan your heads people.

I look like i'm wearing a skirt

They call this cutie "Apple Butt"

SECKS.

The view at night over at my place.

Phone. It is a fuckign phone.

Vintage uh uh siol

2011-10-19T01:50:00.003+08:00

I'm always confused between changing people or getting used to their actions. The fact that they don't' intensionally hurt others or myself restrains me from any actions or thoughts of changing them. And getting used to these actions just kills me. It is so sickening to me, and I mean the fact that I can't do anything about it. Or rejection, neglect. I think people neglect me because, they don't know. They think it is fine. And then the insincere comes in. Where's the love? I'm so sick of the insincere. And then rejection, and I think that's due to the fact that I'm weird. Weird, what's wrong with accepting weird people? They can be slightly social deviant, but that makes them special unless it is annoying right? Maybe it is cause I'm a social awkward, retard, and a deviant; which is why I will never get it and never understand, and get hurt in the end.

2011-10-19T00:55:00.002+08:00

When I was younger, you were the one smoking around the house. You obviously know that there's a fucking smell. And now you blame it for smoking in the house at night? Seriously, there did this smell that your oh-so-sensitive nose picks up and sets up a series of evil.

2011-10-18T22:18:00.001+08:00

Dad: "Do you need counseling?"

Epic. Yeah, epic.

Weird.

2011-10-16T01:07:00.002+08:00

I can't shake this feeling of feeling like a total fucking weird person again. I'm a socially awkward, reaction fucker, and as much as I try not to, I don't think it is good enough. Those that judge, they judge, and as much as I tell myself that shame turns me on, I don't deal with rejection well. Because I still care for them. Be it giving a mere hug or asking whether they are alright, or providing a listening ear and giving whatever advice from my experience, they reject. And I don't think I can deal with rejection well because I have good intentions, and they reject it coldly because, they think I'm weird.

"Dude, you are so weird."

Your casual remark will always be etched in my mind because, you never know how much your words can hurt. Call me sensitive, call me fuckery, call me anything you like. But one thing I know is that my impression of you will never the change. The nice person that judges. Irony, I see what you've did there.

2011-10-11T17:22:00.002+08:00

Somehow somewhere somewhat, photography has and have always been my escape from reality. Seeing things through the lens have changed my perspective of the world with every photo taken. Photography thought me to appreciate the little things in life because photography unleashes the beauty within each and every thing in life. It ain't just a 'click-snap' thing, it is 'every picture speaks a thousand words' thing for me.

11 Oct: thoughs

2011-10-11T15:55:00.002+08:00

Humanity is a really strange thing. People sacrifice their time, their health, and their loved ones just to earn money. And then the money is spent back on their health and loved ones. And they never really enjoy the present because they have been working for the future. The future that seems to be never-ending. The fact that they wish that they had enough, but never really had a goal in mind to how much. Money cycles. If only society didn't place so much importance is this thing called status, because status is just a really stupid thing. If only society placed more importance on our loved ones. So much for propaganda, they don't even work these days. So at the end of the day, people just chase for something that they long for that doesn't even exist, and they die without really enjoying the time that they have been given. They live fast, they die young, but they don't even have a beautiful corpse. I think people are just to confusing.

No more tears.

2011-10-11T15:41:00.002+08:00

I don't understand how people can sleep away their woes because I can't, they just stick in my mind and they won't go away. Temporary solutions to push them out of my mind isn't my kind of thing. I face it. Try to solve it. But I can't avoid the helpless feeling that wallows deep inside. It's like, dropping a blot of ink filled with bad that spreads around the entire valley of happiness. And it spreads so contagiously and every other it of happiness seems to be powerless fending itself off this blot of evil. The only thing that happiness has left, is the helpless feeling that it cannot do anything but await impending doom to join this evil, and succumb to the fact that they can never be as happy as before.

Honestly, I don't even know what I've just typed out. I need something. Because I can't seem to get a grip if there's nothing to hold.

2011-10-09T01:33:00.001+08:00

#fail

Love

2011-10-04T00:15:00.003+08:00

Decided to give Think of You a play.

And then everything just came back to my mind. From the first conversation, to the starbucks, to the awkward moments, to random dates, to the bad & rough times and how we still stuck by each other, and how we genuinely cared for each other.

That's love. Love is different for everybody, but maybe the same for two lovers. But for me, and maybe her, I guess love is special. It's magical. It's how, 2 people communicate through a look at each others eyes. It's like, no matter how difficult times are, we still stick by each other. It's late night conversations; just staying up late to talk to each other. It's being and feeling free. It is wishing this really special person were right here, next to you, doing the same thing or not, together with you. It's finding that person that truly cares for you. It is hugging someone despite them making you feel angry. It is doing whatever you can to make her happy, because if she's happy, I'm happy and that even if I'm not, her happiness means more then mine. Because if you must, I will.

Love is watching her smile, and watching her smile, is good enough because that smile is just so priceless.

2011-10-03T14:52:00.001+08:00

We're sexy as hell.

2011-10-03T00:01:00.002+08:00

I don't even know what I'm feeling right because everything seems to be a mess. It is like a mix of emotions that mixes together and stirs up into a chunk of mess. I'm just so disappointed, angry, frustrated and sad all at one go. I don't understand why life will never be the way I want it to be. Maybe it is cause life stands for "look, I fucked everything." and it was never meant to be enjoyed. Because at the end of the day, the things that are meant to be enjoyed will either be taken away or it just goes stale and bad. It's always efforts down the drain. But nonetheless, I know that, I don't want to be suffering anymore and neither shall I suffer in silence. But never have I gave up, and neither should anybody. Never have I chosen to hate, but to love. Never have I chosen to walk out on anybody, but yet almost everyone walks away from me when they can and have to. It just isn't fair how I stuck by them, and then they have to leave or they just leave. I just feel that the world is so selfish, or at least to me.

Embrace.

2011-10-01T00:13:00.000+08:00

Because embracing anything and everything with a smile, never felt so good before.

Care.

2011-09-30T02:19:00.002+08:00

"Stay with me. you're on your way to recovery."

@}--,--'-----

2011-09-29T17:01:00.001+08:00

@}----,---'-----

A rose for everyone out there; I hope this eases your suffering a little.

Lazy.

2011-09-29T16:27:00.002+08:00

Just sitting here at Paragon Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, soaking up the busy atmosphere and sipping this Small (I actually said Tall when I ordered it, like Starbucks tall. What fuckery.) Vanilla Latte, and smoking cigarettes. Life seems to be slowing down but minutes seem to be ticking away really quickly. If only I had more time, because doesn't seem to always be on my side.

"But I will just wake-up, and take that morning shower. Because this is life."

2011-09-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

"Fat Dodo Bird."

Even looking at this 3 words strikes a sadness down my guts. Funny how love works, putting meaning into simple words that don't even mean much to humanity.

2011-09-22T22:14:00.002+08:00

If life were a pack of cards, I think I did be the joker cards that you put in the box because they are considered invalid in most games, and that the come out to play occasionally. But the joker cards, they mean something, but not as much as the others cards. That's life isn't it.

Discouraged

2011-09-16T12:49:00.002+08:00

I see all these people get their grades up so high and I'm just so discouraged and all these thinking got me saying,

"What the hell am I doing in Business?"

The Alley

2011-09-15T02:17:00.004+08:00

Photography by Atifa Othman + Myself.

Didn't post up all the photos though.

-----------------------------------------------------

So after much hassle and frustration and time wasted and shit, we finally did it. Well, it didn't go according to plan and despite the fact that I brought a tripod out, I didn't use it to stabilize the photos and reduce the ISO cause when the pictures are blown-up, they are kind of grainy. But over-all, I think it is a success?

She's so gorgeous gosh I want to be half as gorgeous, inside out, as her somebody please spare some gorgeous-ness for me thanks so much.

Tainted.

2011-09-10T00:34:00.002+08:00

I miss me. Free.

7th September Visual Journal

2011-09-07T01:55:00.004+08:00

There's a light that's never goes out.

She's so happy; and that, makes me happy.

1 word, 1 night, 1 game: mahjong.

Decided to take a kinky PhotoBooth shot and place it in front of the booth using Rachel's MacBook and, hopefully, garner more customers. Pretty failed.

SANDALS. SANDALS.

TP isn't all that dull after-all!

Studying overnight at McDonalds; will definitely remember those days she accompanied me to study during the day and when we said our goodbyes, I did be left there alone studying, and having nothing else but thoughts about her and my notes to accompany me.

When we miss each other too much, and for when we got bored, Face Time!

Sitting almost anywhere and everywhere with her never felt so good. Oh, a pretty sunset too!

*meow*

Sometimes I think she's too gorgeous for me. I'm just this boy, and she's this gorgeous woman.

-----

Sometime around this period of time next year, we'll say our goodbyes. But this goodbye, it isn't forever; it isn't the last nor the final. One day, again, we will find each other back in each others arms once again. That day will come; and I will wait till the sun won't shine no more. Because we did be seeing the same sunrise and watch the starry skies though apart, let our hearts will grow fonder. Because if you want to and need to, you will because you have to and you can. Because this is your destiny, not mine, I have to let you go, but I will carry a smile because I'm happy for you. You, my dear; I wish all the best.

The day will come, time is short. Let's make the best out of it.

Bitch Programme Activated.

2011-09-03T01:40:00.002+08:00

I don't care whether it is intentional or accidental, but to all you people that have hurt me, I'm done. You know what I'm down with?

I'm done with feeling like a total idiot that have been so foolish to have expected what has been perceived to be reality but ends up as a total disappointment and that at the end of the day I just get hurt because the world isn't as nice as I thought or tried to make it to be. That's not the end; I'm done with getting hurt by each and every of you people's despicable actions that never fail to bring me down because the idea of thinking before saying or acting never occurred how important it is in this society or world to you; nor is thinking about how one would feel before acting upon your what you call 'wise' actions. You have a brain the size of a pea that only functions on a "eat, play, sleep" mode only does it? Oh, not fucking forgetting to mention, how you people put me down with your harsh words, and I'm not just talking about friends, I'm talking about family as well. I'm talking about the people that judge and stereotype and criticize like it's your fucking world you own when the world is shared amongst each and everyone of us. It still isn't the fucking end of this; how does it feel like having pressure from all side and every possible angle there is to attack me and expect me to adapt to each and everyone of your actions, silently suffering in this chaos world. Picture a little boy lost in a jungle hunted by shadows loofing over him, occasionally coming to twist and turn him into the wrong, not right, directions of getting out of this what seems to be the never-ending path to getting out of the jungle. That would probably be me, and the best way to narrate my current fucking fucked up life. Unfair, unjust, all just fucking unnecessary. It is that hard to reciprocate a good behavior isn't it? It is that fucking hard, like THAT FUCKING HARD, to just be nice is it? Is it, and IS IT, that fucking hard to just shut the fuck up? And to be honest, actually, I did rather be that little boy, and the let the forest horrors haunt me for life because at least I'm alone, away from socialization and civilization. I get to do what I want; I have a choice to be free. But I don't right now. Fuck all of you. Fuck each and everyone of you.

But don't you worry, I won't say anything. Because some things are better left unsaid, because things are just 'fine' this way and are 'okay'. Being 'fine' is over-rated, we got to live. But if 'fine' is impossible, then fuck living; I survive. So you know what?

Sometimes we got to play hard to get it easy, that's what I will do.

Sometimes we got to be unfair to make things fair, and I'll be.

Sometimes we got to destroy in order to create, and I'll be the ultimate chaos.

Sometimes we just got to hate in order to be loved by others, and even though hatred is like a curved blade that hits you back twice, I will.

Fuck Karma and all that shit, it has already hit me hard and pushed me rock bottom. Whatever I've done to deserve this, I'm sorry. But the fair, becomes unfair. The just, becomes unjust. The love, turns to hate, all will eventually. The anger, becomes frustration, then a deep solemn sadness that aches you, shakes you, then slowly but surely, traumatizes you. Call me mean, call me bitchy, call me whatever you want.

But I'm done with all this. Fucking done with this shit life. Nothing, will be, in my way.

Decided.

2011-09-01T16:34:00.001+08:00

I'm going to save everything for myself, all of it, for myself. My money, time, care, energy, whatever fuck. I'm tired of people not repaying me cash. I'm tired of people that just, don't even put their heart into things that I've put my entire time, shit whatever fuck this is. I don't care if people call me selfish; I'll point a fucking finger back at you. Ask yourself, "When was the last good thing you've done for someone?" and I think you'll find yourself taking ages to answer this very important question.

Is it that hard to reciprocate a good intention or behavior? Is it so hard to return a favour, be a drink, or lending some cash, or just returning cash. I don't care if it is any form of cash, these bitches can go fuck off.

I'm just sad.

2011-09-01T15:58:00.002+08:00

So sad that I alway don't have enough cash and that I have to work so hard for something that I don't want, and even harder for something that I want. I hate it that, others get it so easily and I can never get it my way. I hate how some people are just so selfish and they don't consider your feelings when making a decision. I don't like how some people are even so selfish and full of themselves, and don't eve bother about others. LIke returning a favor, or money, or care. Some people just forget don't they? They forget that, even the simplest things like buying a drink can mean a lot, and that they can't do the same. Is reciprocating a good behavior that difficult? Or does that just give you something of badwork in return for something hard saved or worked on. That kind of stuff. I hate it how the world is unfair.

I hate it how the world is always unfair towards me, not even one fair bit, and the fair things and people eventually turn out to be unfair, one way or another. I hate. If only someone can show me that the world can be fair, or that the world can be fair in someways. If only.

Disappointment

2011-08-30T14:38:00.002+08:00

I feel so disappointed in myself for expecting people to do something and reality just hits back and I get all upset, anguished in anger.

I feel like a fool, played out by expectations.

tired

2011-08-28T02:48:00.003+08:00

I'm just tired of living this way. I'm so weak. I just want to shut myself from the entire world, just for once, and be with myself and only myself but that's not possible because that's selfish. I'm tired of hurting. I wish I am stronger person. All I want is to be happy. Is it that hard to be happy?

"As long as you are happy, I'll just look at that smile on each and everyone of your faces and tell myself that, I'm happy for you and happy too."

Cheers to positivity.

Adapt.

2011-08-28T02:41:00.003+08:00

I wish that humans would put me into consideration when they make their decisions because I'm tired of adapting to their decisions. Adapting is painful, because you're forced to adapt to these changes although you dislike them and they tend to affect me emotionally, especially if these people mean a lot to me. I keep telling myself that these people don't give a shit about you, so why do you give a shit about them? Or something along the line of "You give me this amount of care, I give you this amount care" kind of thing, but i can't seem to because life is unfair and this is part of it. But everyone gets tired of accepting these decisions that you have to lived by and suffer in silence because you want them to just be happy. Being a "you decide, whatever makes you happy" person isn't easy at all, but I can't seem to be able to lead. Or I always tell myself "okay, they want to do to this. So when they want something from you, you don't give it to them because they didn't put you into consideration as well" but I tend to have this soft spot that gives in. I always give in, but people don't give in to me. Not once, I keed you not.

But what else can I do other than adapt. I should probably get numb to these but I guess it will result in me being numb to every feeling and everything and worst, everyone. That's beyond evil. That's utter chaos. That's not me. But there's nothing I can do but seat and wait.

2011-08-27T20:47:00.002+08:00

After saving fuckloads of cash, putting in lots of effort, and finishing up everything with a touch of love, this is it. And my MacBook has to crash, therefore, I had to re-do everything and re-plan everything in 2days. 2. Fucking. Days. But everything's worth it when SHE opened it and smiled gleefully. That smile = priceless.

But hey, I got a Mac Air right now! :D

27th August 2011.

2011-08-27T20:40:00.002+08:00

7.46am, rain's about the pour over the humble Singapore city. There's always something about dark clouds and black skies that gets me. A mood one of so dark, like mine, and I feel as if I'm one with Earth. Peace, has been achieved.

2011-08-27T17:40:00.001+08:00

HULLO GORGEOUS.

The old man.

2011-08-27T01:44:00.003+08:00

Not the best, not perfected. But I saw an old man sitting at the telephone booth every night around 1am, just sleeping in his wheelchair. It's a pretty pitiful sight, and it gave me an inspiration to type this one out. Enjoy, if you will!

*ps: edited by Atifa for my poor grammar D:

He would typically slip past the sight of many people, or be avoided because of his quiet intimidation. This old man has a face that tells a tale so different from that of others. He sits at the bar round the bend every day, or night if you will, as he sips his glass of golden juice. Oblivious to his surroundings, he gazes into nothingness as others watch and talk. They talk about him because his face tells a tale of no other. Yet as often as they talk about him, they wouldn't talk to him. Because he's different, and you could tell that he couldn't really give a damn about others. But I could tell he was searching for something.

Searching for something that the normal human wouldn't seek; what's normal anyway?

I took the opportunity the other day to head over to talk to him; I was alone, he was alone, and I thought that we could use each other's company. He just gave me a miserable smile as I approached him. The natural response for rejection would be to back away, but his rejection only spurred more interest in me to get to know him better. Curiosity, what is it good for? It has only been proven to ruin innocence and besides, it killed the cat.

"Why." I questioned.

"Why not?"

He shot me a look of agitation; I wasn't ready to give up. For someone who had managed to venture that far into the mind of this mysterious old man, it didn't seem worth giving up.

"So why not you tell me?"

"She will be back, and I'll be waiting. This seat, the one you're sitting on if you mind, has always been for her. I made a promise, I swore that I will never leave her and she, too, said she will never leave me. So I'll sit here and wait for her return. I'll be waiting. I'll always be here, the first place I saw her. The start of everything; a revolution. She'll be back. She will, be back. But I will wait, though no one understands, no-fucking-body. "

Those words of his rang through my mind.

With just the slightest hesitation, I muttered: "I do."

A silence so inexplicably loud swept over us and blanketed every other noise in the little humble bar; nothing seemed to break this silence. He was just a man, but unlike every other man. I could, strangely, feel him. It felt like I'd known him for ages, or rather it felt like I'd known him since forever. And while no one else ever dared to approach this lost man, I did. I took a step to reach out to him, to save him. Something about him beckoned me, it was an unknown attraction. An unknown attraction controlled by an oh-so-familiar force.

He slowly shifted his eyes to my pondering face and chose his words cautiously. "What do you know; you don't know me. You will never know me."

Here's one way to look at this; here you are, sitting next to a man you've only known for 5 minutes, and you understand him already. There's no way to explain this but, him and I were just alike. Age diversity? So what if he was older than me by a leap. All I knew was that, love had once over-struck us and knocked on our doors. It had knocked me into her arms, safely and comfortably. But for this poor man, it had knocked him into the depths of the abyss, to never ever see the light again. We were quite similar. We are human, after all.

"Love."

That word escaped my lips subconsciously, and seemed to echo what was on the man's mind. I could tell because it was all in his weary, watery eyes.

You see, love is the answer for everything. When in pain, love; you could be in pain due to love, or you could use love to ease the pain. Love is like many multitudes of complexities that not even science nor the intricate mind can ever comprehend. Science explains that it's just a process of chemicals reacting with one another, causing a range of emotions and a heightened level of dopamine and brain activity. But science can't be used to explain everything. Science is not the answer for everything, love is. When in pain, you can't use science to ease the pain. Not the physical pain, the gutty pain. The one you can't alleviate using medicine or what-so-ever. Which is why love is so amazing, yet so dangerous.

The old man was taken aback. Speechless, shocked and surprised. One too many emotions started to flood him over. A spark ignited. A friendship was made. A tale was told; tears were shed but it was only natural. But most importantly, enlightenment. I never saw the old man again after the day. I guess he finally got tired of waiting. Or maybe, she came back to him.

So I sit here everyday, and wait. Wait for her to come back to me, back into my arms. No one would ever understand why I wait; she is special, so precious, so gorgeous. I would rather be alone than to be with anyone else but her, so I will wait. Because life isn't about money, it's about love. Because some things are just so worth it, and so I will wait.

2011-08-26T03:30:00.000+08:00

Oh lawd even the heels matches my outfit. Bless this boy, Amen.

2011-08-26T03:24:00.002+08:00

She's like the hero flying over in the skies, keeping watch over me. She makes me feel safe and sane. She's that woman, that gorgeous and precious woman. She's my super-woman.

Jagdave and Me

2011-08-25T01:29:00.002+08:00

-------------------------

If there's one person in this world you can totally rely on for a laughter; it did be this anti-Punjabi named Jagdave Bashi; oh the irony he's a Punjabi.

Good times good times.

I'm evil.

2011-08-24T02:07:00.003+08:00

I'm evil. I destroy things. I hurt people. I control people by the most powerful thing known the man, known as emotions. I bound to chaos, born with it.

Things are just so messy and stressful right now that, I can't control it. Things get bad only when I realize it and that is when it is too late. I want to isolate myself from the world so that I won't hurt anybody anymore, to cease exist. To disappear from the world and to join the suffering burning in hell. That's where I should be. That's how it should be.

In fact, I shouldn't have be born. I have only caused nothing more but destruction. I'm a total wreck. I can't seem to find anything good about myself. I see myself as someone born to kill and destroy. Therefore, I always tell myself that for the greater of good, I shouldn't have be born, or I should have stayed dead. Or even better, I should just disappear. But that would just be selfish wouldn't it?

I just don't know what to do anymore. If feeling empty and not knowing what is real and what is an act, then this must be it of not knowing what is real and what is not. I think, I'm damaged. Badly.

2011-08-20T15:41:00.001+08:00

Each and everyone of you, and I mean society, is responsible for making feel like the most terrible and ugly person on earth that deserves all that nonchalant unnecessary bullshit that each and everyone of you fuckers have thrown onto me. Fuck you, life, for not making me feel better about myself. And thank you for always being there for me and making sure that I feel terrible about myself. I officially proclaim myself as the most incorrigible disaster that only a strike of thin luck can save me. And thin, how thin? A size 0 thin; the irony of it. But go ahead and shower your infamous lemonades on me; a bucket more of lemons raining and toppling and intoxicating and, filling up every little damn empty space labelled "happiness", couldn't do what more damage couldn't it?

I am okay.

Beach

2011-08-20T15:37:00.001+08:00

I miss the waters, the rock, the sand, and the act of letting the wind flirt with my hair.

2011-08-20T01:14:00.003+08:00

Fuck it. What's your damage?

Do you pray with your eyes closed?

2011-08-20T01:08:00.002+08:00

"So scared of what he may see, he prays with his eyes open. Oh the irony. Reluctance to accept the future, oh it is nearing. It is impossible to live day by day, the energy never lives, nor does it die deep inside. Spiritual energies, guide him; guide the lost soul to peace that lives in eternity. But thou shalt not let thy rest in peace; all he wants is to be free. Let him the gain the wisdom he needs to get through these times, for it's the times whereby the broken become the damned. Teach him the ways to solve this mystery, all he wants is to be free."

Bullshit.

2011-08-19T00:39:00.004+08:00

Life is full of bullshit and I think I am one of them.

2011-08-19T00:36:00.002+08:00

Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Loved. Yes, love. Whenever I think about hatred and oddness and weirdness and all the things that rhyme with the word evil, I'll remember love. Enough said.

2011-08-18T14:41:00.001+08:00

"Non-stop won't stop can't stop will never ever fucking stop."

2011-08-18T14:39:00.003+08:00

Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird.

2011-08-15T14:11:00.001+08:00

Frustration.

2011-08-15T14:08:00.001+08:00

Fuel the frustration and add it with stress; it is one of the best mental torture ever.

2011-08-15T13:56:00.002+08:00

The Old City Hall Cinema. The Alley. The best chill out place, ever.

2011-08-13T17:23:00.001+08:00

2011-08-11T01:48:00.000+08:00

Let's hope blogging therapy works. Time to let it out.

I threw my phone to the wall and then it exploded into 3 piece, mainly the shell, the battery and the cover and I'm just sitting here typing this out hoping to let this feeling go away but no it doesn't, it just lingers there, clings to you, like a parasite clinging onto agree for survival. If sadness is to cling onto me just for it's survival, then, why does it need to survive?

Simple; without sadness, there ain't no happiness. The first thing that comes to our mind when we define happiness is that "we're not sad." So it's only natural that when we define sadness it goes "when we're not happy."

Point proven. Now, I'm just going to hug my pillow and bawl over the fact that I'm a fuckien failure and I can never make anyone, not even myself, feel better be it about their life, themselves, or their mood. Whatever, I'm probably one of god's mistake, or at least, my parents mistake. I shouldn't have been born. Like a parasite, the only happiness that it brought about the 'tree' was the fact that they probably had a 'cute' and 'adorable' toddler to accompany them so they did feel less lonely. We were all born and raised by our parents, only to leave them. That's life, but I shouldn't have been born.

Hell, is only a 30 metro drop away before reaching the gates of the treacherous.

2011-08-11T01:28:00.000+08:00

"hush baby hush, don't let them know we're losing."

I'm losing, losing everything. My health, my work, my dreams, my life. My sanity at stake. These growing pains and aching heads. I say, fuck myself. Fuck myself for not being stronger, fuck myself for not being able to be there for you, or even for myself. How am I supposed to win when it's myself I'm supposed to win over. I can't do this. I can't, for the first time. As much as they tell me I can, and I tell myself I must, I can't anymore. I'm doing my fucking best, but I just can't. Not now, maybe not anymore, probably never.

Every step I take seems to pull a tear down from my eyes, and these tear-stained cheeks mask a face written with regret all over it. To be damned with letting it wash away all these.

Basic Space

2011-08-08T01:13:00.000+08:00

My room is weird; one part looks antique, one part looks urban, one part looks 'indie' and the last part looks vintage.

This is my basic space; a beautiful mess with little things here and there that make up this tragic little basic space that I have. This is the place whereby my thoughts magically appear in my mind, and then I visual them, and they kind of get projected onto the ceiling for me to slowly piece things here and there and what's not. This is where I rest my tiresome soul and aching pains. It's fairly simple, I don't need a big room. I like it small, and cozy. I like it, plain not complex.

And I would definitely like it (love it) if you are here to share this basic space with me. It wouldn't be called basic space anymore then, it would be called home. Whereby peace lingers and stays. It would also be called "love" I guess. Or maybe even "our space".

What a wonderful world isn't it?

For your visual photo-booth pleasure.

2011-08-07T16:54:00.000+08:00